Poor Puppy

I've never been a dog person. Meaning, I think they should be treated humanely, and I think pets should have loving homes, but I don't feel like that home is with me. 

About two weeks ago, my in-laws dropped their dog off at our house so they could enjoy their Alaskan cruise. They told me beforehand that the dog had a heart condition and might not make it. I wrote it off. And joked about it. 

And then the dog died last night. The night before he was supposed to go home. 

And I have no idea how to process this. If it hadn't happened at my house, I honestly don't think the dog's death would have much of an impact on me. And I realize there is nothing we did to cause it. The dog died peacefully in his sleep after having a treat before bed. But I feel guilty. And bad. 

The dog's owners have been notified and his remains are buried. And I guess I move on? I found a way to explain the Circle of Life to Hailey (I think). And I keep on keepin' on. 

RIP, Oskar. 

Things I Don't Know How to Process

Today Hailey asked for the iPad. By name, as in "I want iPad." It's her first technology ask (besides DragonTales, which I suppose counts). 

Is it bad that she wants to play with the screen? It's far from the first time she's asked for a toy - baby, blankie, tea, animal, ball, etc. And while she has liked playing with the iPad for a long time, it's now apparently part of her routine. 

I think it's OK. She plays with plenty of technology and non-technology toys. She sits sometimes and runs sometimes. And when it's not -50 she's perfectly content outside. So while I am definitely raising a 21st century daughter, I think she'll be OK. 

That's Not How We Behave

Now that Hailey's at an age where she occasionally needs to be punished, there's a whole new series of decisions to make. What deserves a punishment? Is there a warning? What is the actual punishment? Why are toddler punishments such a pain for the parents? And the list goes on. 

Some decisions aren't too tough. Time-outs, one minute or slightly more, one warning, boring consistency. 

But as she ages, and even now, these decisions will be harder. Nick and I recently had a discussion about teenage drinking, and we didn't immediately agree (we aren't that far off, and we have some time to decide so it's hardly code red). Grandparents and the general public have opinions they are all happy to share. 

And the consistency. Ugh. It's so easy to let things slide. Or to bend the rules occasionally. Or to make rules on the spot. Some of this will happen and some of it's OK. But it never makes it easier. 

And now I am overthinking. My parenting style usually involves overthinking. It will all work out. There's no perfect way to parent, but there are lots of pretty good ways. 

33

Yesterday my birthday. I know I was born in 1980, so with some simple math I can deduce that I'm 33. Yes, I am now officially at the age when I have to think about how old I am. When I was a kid I thought that was so pathetic. Wow, how things have changed.

The other day I realized that I feel like a real grown-up almost all the time. Yikes. Does that mean I'm more mature? Not likely. Maybe. But probably no. Really it probably boils down to being busier and more efficient in decision making. And realizing that my decisions have repercussions for me and for others.

There are still so many things I want to do. Ideally I would drop to a four-day workweek (I should probably ask about that, but I'm not ready to take a potential pay cut just yet). I want to have another kid. I want to go on vacation with Nick this winter. I want to see my friends more and make more local friends. Short-term goals, mostly, and all things that are doable.

Long-term? I'm not sure what I want. I've honestly never pictured my life past this point. At some point I'd like to retire. Be debt-free. Maybe write, but probably not. Enjoy Hailey and her potential siblings at all phases of their lives. I'm getting better about living intentionally, but there's still so much time wasted.

Lately, I've stopped being so emotional about everything that happens to me - the tears are still there, but first I make the decisions and do whatever needs to be done. I bawled at the news I was being laid off, but I was fully together when Nick fell. And both situations ultimately turned out fine. Like most do.

Anyway, another year. Maybe 34 is the magic age when I finally have all my shit together. 

Books: Beautiful Ruin

Beautiful Ruins
Jess Walter

I was really excited to read this book (I think based on a review in Entertainment Weekly), and it didn't disappoint. It's frankly the best book I've read in awhile - and I found myself telling people about it a lot.

Which was somewhat complicated, because the plot is complex. Beautiful Ruins centers around the meeting of actress Dee Moray and Pasquale, an Italian innkeeper. From this meeting, there are many ripples of aftermath, which are all covered in the book. The character list is sprawling, and there are many jumps forward and back in time. But what separates this book from other gimmick-y books with time jumps and several generations is that everything wraps up with a consistent plot that makes sense and isn't predictable.

Did I like it? Yes. Very much. Read this book.

Did it pass the Bechdel test? Sadly, no. There are a number of named female characters, but they don't interact outside of men.




PS: I have read other books. I'm recommitting myself to blogging consistently. Which will involve books, among other things.

If I Had One Wish

Friends, the death of Cory Monteith is really affecting me more than it should. Why? Sadly, plenty of celebrities have died before their time due to addiction. Plenty more will. So I have a few theories as to why this one is impacting me so much.

1. Cory was younger than I am (by like a year, but still). I'm apparently at the age where "gone too soon" means someone close to my age.
2. I'm a total Gleek. So this time it's someone I was a fan of who was at the height of their fame.
3. I'm a mom now. Just one more thing to worry about.

It's probably a combination of all these things. Maybe it's something else, I don't know. Obviously this is not someone I know, but it still hurts.

I've never been an addict myself (social drinker, but I can and have function fine with weeks or even months between drinks, and I am aware of my limits when I do imbibe), so I can't speak to the feeling. But I have some powers of observation, so I realize that the addict may be a swell person but the drugs are not swell and completely take over. They take away all sense of reason or awareness and control. They may leave the person alone for awhile, but they're always nagging.

If I had one wish for Hailey, it would be that she never start with addictive substances. Unfortunately, I'm not the only mom who wishes this, and it's clearly not a case of wishing making it so. And I don't think it's due to parenting or willpower or anything else I can make happen. And while there's not necessarily a causal impact here, you don't have to travel very far back in her bloodline to find some pretty gnarly mental health/substance abuse issues (for the sake of protecting privacy, let's just say it spans her parents' generation, her grandparents' generation and her great-grandparents' generation, and it's pretty widespread).

Of all the things to protect your kids from, this may be the hardest. And the most important.

And if you're someone who needs help, please reach out. If you're not sure if you need help, talk to someone. We're all pulling for you.

LMG: Saturday Night

What did you do last Saturday night? Chances are, it was either go out and have a good time, or go to bed early. Well, as my latest lazy mom's guide, I am here to make a new recommendation: go grocery shopping.

For me, Saturday night shopping started as somewhat of a necessity. Since Nick's injury, he can't be alone with Hailey (unable to bend or lift, so not much good if she does anything tots do). One weekend, I was looking for a chance to go buy groceries. I had some other errands to run Sunday, and I knew that one more long-ish stop was going to be unpleasant for both of us. Bad weather was predicted. It was about 9:00 Saturday night, and I realized nothing was stopping me from going to the 24-hour supermarket.

So I got in the car and went. No diaper bag, no putting baby in and out of the car seat. She was safely in bed, so a hubby playing with the iPad at home was plenty of supervision (if there was a fire or something, he would be able to save her ... and he was as available as he would be if we were both home sleeping). No crowds at the store (even in the cereal aisle!). Light traffic (not often a problem for me, but it was lighter than usual). And when I got home, I was able to put away the groceries in peace without keeping baby out of the fridge or listening to her whine. Perfect. Repeated, and a new routine.

Also, the DQ between my house and the supermarket is open late. Perfect for a mommy treat ... it is, after all, the weekend.

The Summer of Plan B

Sorry about the delay, folks ... this may or may not be worth the wait. 

So I realized I'm behind in blogging. I haven't even posted here that I have a new job (working in marketing at Legacy Building Solutions, a company that makes tension fabric buildings). This is the end of week two, and so far so good. The people are nice, the atmosphere is family-like, and I get to learn new things (good: construction terms; less good: Photoshop) which will be useful in real life and the future, and I get to be creative and have my ideas used.

Which is not the summer of laid off I was expecting. Or the summer of working at DealChicken I was expecting before that. Nick is still on bedrest, so it's been busy at home. Thank God for my mother-in-law for helping with Nick every day, to our daycare lady for being so awesome and flexible, and to pretty much everyone else for being generally supportive.

So new job and being the only one in my house who can put on pants has come with many demands on me. And it's meant missing out on some things (a wedding, naps, trips to Maddock), but it's also meant more family time than we probably would have had otherwise (everyone is at home every evening). And "adaptability" is one of my top five strengths, so it's actually gone a little better than I thought it would (so far I've been to work on time every day!). Money-wise I think it will be fine, but it's hard to tell as we haven't gotten any bills yet to see how everything will shake out with insurance. But we've been eating at home and only driving one car, so I'm not too worried about it.

And so plan B continues. And it's a good thing - if I were laid off this whole time, we probably would have a hard time with bills since Nick also isn't working. And who knows how we'd be treating each other if we were home all day every day (our relationship is fine, but there's such a thing as personal space). And we got to watch the whole season of Arrested Development together. And I've finally figured out how to make Cream of Wheat without boiling it over and making a huge mess.

So that's an update on the summer of plan B. Hopefully I'll get back to regular blogging, and better posts than this, soon. It's good for the soul.

Stay Off the Roof

On Friday I had taken Haikey to daycare, gotten myself cleaned up and was getting ready to head into town when I got a call from my husband. He had fallen from the roof of a shed and was in severe back pain. I got there about two minutes later (I was already in the car), and he was on the phone with 911. He was taken by ambulance to the ER, where we learned that he has compression fractures in three of his lumbar vertebrae.  We came home this morning after two nights in the hospital, and Nick will be on bed rest for six weeks. Basically he can get up with a brace and a walker to go to the bathroom and eat.

It will be a long six weeks. But hopefully at that time he will be fully up and running. And considering he fell from a roof, it could be so much worse. So we're counting our blessings and changing our plans.

And I'm clearing my social calendar for the next six weeks (not that tough). But on week seven, if you are holding a bottle of wine you should watch out - I will not be responsible for my actions.

One Year

Exactly one year ago today, I was starting to realize I really was in labor (technically my water broke very early in the morning, but all morning and part of the afternoon was pretty pain-free). That means today has marked one year since I've become a mom. And I've learned some things.

• When moms say they don't even remember their baby as a very new infant, they really are telling the truth. 
• Sleep is the best thing ever. But sleeping with a baby is the very best thing ever. 
• You really will worry every time something is wrong. Even if it's something minor. You're that person. 
• You'll cry when you go back to work. You'll move on and become a productive worker again, but those first few days suck. 
• The baby really will be fine. Most of the choices six of one, half dozen of the other.
• If you stress out, so will the baby. This does not make not-stressing-out any easier. 
• You'll become someone who gets sad and/or cries when something happens to a fictional baby on TV. 
• You only have to become part of the mommy wars if you want to be. When in doubt, stay off the damn Internet. 
• Make time for other people. Your friends, your family, and especially your spouse. This may be harder than it seems, but it's vitally important. 
• Babies reach milestones on their own time. Don't compare your kid to others. This is difficult. 
• You really will use a baby voice. So will everyone else you know. 
• You will love that baby more than you thought you ever could. 
• You may love being pregnant, and you may love the child growing inside you. But once the baby is actually born and becomes a real person, it's a whole new ballgame. 
• Oh, and those first weeks after the baby is born are uncomfortable bordering on painful. Cabbage leaves in your bra will help. 

Job Hunting

When I got my last job at DealChicken, I was looking for a job while working full time and raising a baby. My original goal was to find a job before returning from FMLA, which I did not achieve, but I got the job before I cracked (I loved my Tastefully Simple peeps, but the commute was killing me).

When I found out I'd be laid off, I again started job hunting while working and being a mom. I had about two months' notice before my layoff. I had one interview before my job ended, but that company decided to go with an internal candidate (which, all things being equal I think is the right choice - so I can't be too bitter).

Last week was my first week of unemployment. But I had decided to give myself a week without looking for a job full time - which turned out to be the right move, as first Hailey and then Nick and I got the flu. But I did send out one resume, and I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow. I don't know a lot about the job, and I think it may be more of a commute than I'm excited about, but we'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, tomorrow also starts full time job hunting, as well as applying for freelance jobs. My laptop is back to life, so writing samples are available. Ideally, I have freelance to keep myself busy three days a week until August, and then I return to a full-time gig. I have no clue how realistic that is, and I'm committed going with the flow. So wish me luck - Both tomorrow and the rest of the summer.

Books: The Passage

The Passage 

By Justin Cronin

The Passage is the story of a government experiment gone horribly, gruesomely wrong. In the quest to get closer to immortality, the government experiments with some bats found in the tropics. They eventually get a virus that extends life. And as is so often suggested, they start to experiment with death row prisoners. And one little girl who seems to be abandoned. The virus does indeed extend life, but in return it turns the affected into vampire-like creatures. 

The action skips around in time and place. It starts before the virus is found, skips to when it is truly becoming viral, and then skips about 100 years in the future. There's a sprawling cast of characters, including the girl, several of the death row inmates, the FBI agents who recruit them for experiments, a colony of survivors, a military unit, and many others. I'd say the girl, Amy, is the protagonist. 

The Passage is the third book in a planned trilogy. The sequel, The Twelve, is available now. The third book is not yet available.

Did I like it? No. This book is over 700 pages long. Not a problem in and of itself, but this particular novel draaaaaaags on. And on. And on. It's aiming for Stephen King with the character development and the basic plot, but it falls quite short (and I'm not a huge King fan). As the book drew to a close, I kept wanting it to just be over already. I'd basically stopped caring what happened.

Did it pass the Bechdel test? Yes. Some of the action happens in a convent. And on more than one occasion the female colonists converse. Little of the conversation is about men. And Amy, who is about 12, does not even think about men or boys. In a vampire novel, no less! Also interesting to note is that the men are as likely as the women to worry about their relationships.

Applying for Unemployment

Today I applied for unemployment benefits. I've never done this before, or even thought I would. I graduated from college 10 years ago, and I've gone to work every day since until yesterday. So today I apply for the benefit.

The actual application took about 20 minutes online. For Minnesota, the site is http://www.uimn.org/uimn/. And I'll have to fill out what I assume is a condensed version of that form every week until I get a job. My weekly benefit will be direct deposited into my bank account (there's also an option to receive a debit card). I was able to estimate my benefits a few weeks ago by submitting my Social Security Number online, and the benefit estimate I got today is the same amount (the final amount will be mailed to me once everything is analyzed). The actual amount won't be disclosed here, but it's based on 2/3 of my income over the past 18 months. And although no one will be jealous of my income, it's enough for us to get by.

How does the application make me feel? The form itself was pretty direct. It was eye-opening how much the system already knew about me - although it did list a company I've never worked for as a former employer. There's no reason I should feel guilty about receiving these benefits, and I don't. I've looked for a job since I knew I would be laid off, and I will continue to do so, along with finding little ways to make extra money in the meantime. When I took the job at DealChicken, I intended to work there for a period of several years. This is a blip. Hopefully I will be employed again soon.

Of course, there's not benefits outside of money - we've had temporary insurance since I left Tastefully Simple, and we will continue to have that until I find a job (but that's a story for another day). If TV is accurate, at one point you had to actually go to an office and meet with a caseworker to collect your benefit. I'm glad I don't have to do that.

Stay tuned for more adventures in unemployment. 

Books: Suicide

Suicide
by Edouard Leve

Suicide is the written account of how a man remembers a friend who has committed suicide. The two men seem to have been friends from childhood. It's close to a stream-of-consciousness memoir, where the narrator shares memories of his friend, speculated on things the friend would have liked, and ruminates on life in general. The friend left no note, so "why" is another common theme.

It's a short book. There's an afterword explaining that Leve famously committed suicide just days after turning in the manuscript. He also left no note, so the book is often read by those seeking to understand what may have caused him to take his own life. I was unaware of the biographical note until after I had finished the book.

Did I like it? This one is a toughie. But yes ... lots of naval-gazing, and the anonymous nature of the narrator and the friend prevent any fully realized characters. But the concept is interesting, it's well-written, and there are some interesting points made.

Did it pass the Bechdel test? No. No dialog.

My Layoff Plan

I haven't been successful in finding a new job. I just had my exit interview at my current job, which means as of Monday (or Saturday, depending on how you look at these things) I join the ranks of the unemployed. Scary, as I've never been there before.

Since I have a great tendency toward inertia, I need to have a plan for what exactly I'll do when I don't have a job to go to every day. Obviously I'll continue looking for jobs, and I plan to do freelance writing as well (so, you know, if you have any opportunities please send them my way). It will also be nice to have the summer to spend with Hailey - she'll still go to daycare a few days a week so that I can do freelance stuff and maintain my sanity (and I think daycare is good for kids), but we'll be home together quite a bit. Considering I was on FMLA last summer, we have a good groove of mommy-baby summers together. :)

But ... there are some things I want to accomplish while there are fewer demands on my time. Here's a partial list ... which will be added to as things come up.

• Take Hailey to visit my grandma in southern Minnesota (they've been together at a wedding, but we haven't actually made the trip yet - yikes)
• See my friend Jen in Fargo (she works in Alexandria once a week, so that may be where we meet up)
• Help my parents move, and probably help my mom with events this summer
• Lose some weight and get in shape enough to take a long bike ride with the baby trailer
• Thoroughly clean the house - and get rid of crap

That's a short list. I'll also be helping my mother-in-law with her business while they're on vacation, doing house stuff/lawn maintenance, helping my sister with her kids when she has no daycare, and helping Nick put up the shed. But I need some concrete goals so it doesn't turn into a summer of me on the couch watching Live with Kelly and Michael (don't judge). Hopefully I am soon employed!

Anything I should add to the list? 

Updates

It's Sunday night, so that makes it a good time for a recent recap, right?

• Clutter-busting challenge: Yesterday was actually clean-up day in the township, so that was a gimme. And we got rid of some electronics that had been stashed in the guest room as well as the bedroom TV we never watched. So far nothing has gone out today, but there's still some time. And Hailey opened a cupboard I had sort of forgotten about, so there's a new place to mine for crap. So far calling it a win. 
• Employment update: No call from Tuesday's interview. Thank you cards were sent promptly. I feel like either I was who they were looking for, or I wasn't and there's not a lot I can do about it. Job ends Friday, so if that doesn't pan out I'll be doing the at-home mom/freelance thing. Either way has perks. 
• Hailey's birthday party is next Saturday, and today we started shopping. Yikes! But there are many condiments that will be left over, so we're set with mustard all summer. :)
• There's a thing on my leg. Either it's a wart or it's something scary. Poor/no insurance does not make it appealing to get it checked out, but I probably need to. Maybe I can have the doc look at it when I take Hailey in for her one-year shots? 

Clutter-Busting Challenge

I follow moneysavingmom.com for ways to save money and occasionally for recipes. Each month, she posts a challenge to her readers ... getting up earlier, filling the freezer with ready meals, various cleaning/organizing tasks. I've never before taken part in a challenge.

But in May I'll be participating in the Clutter-Busting Challenge. As I look at the clothes in my closet that will no longer fit, the box of stuff from my old job that's not even unpacked yet, and the who-knows-what stuffed in our guestroom closet, I realize there's a lot of crap around the house we could do without. The challenge is pretty simple: get rid of seven items per day. I'm shooting for 20 days participation in order to give myself a break. We'll see how it goes! I may or may not post pictures here of the items I am getting rid of. It won't be much for baby stuff - we may have more kids, and those kids may be girls. But there's plenty of useless junk around!


Update: Below is my throw-aways from day 1 (note that not all seven items each day need to be garbage). Box for a waterpik we've had for years, assorted hair products I don't use, contact solution (none of us wear contacts) and some other crap. All from the bathroom. I feel like this will be a piece of cake. 

Lazy Mom's Guide: One Store

Another in a series of posts to make you look like a better mom. Although this tip is good for pretty much everyone. 

This weekend I needed groceries, baby shoes, TP and sunscreen. I had a coupon about to expire for the grocery store, so I went there for the food. I went to a box store with an incorporated shoe store for the shoes. I intended to buy the sundries there, but for some reason they didn't sell those items (or they made it impossible to find - several laps later, I gave up).

So today's lunch break was dedicated to buying TP and sunscreen. It would have been much easier to make one trip and buy all the things. Plus, I made impulse buys at each of the three stores, so I would also have saved money.

Shopping at one store does sometimes require planning. For example, had I used the coupon last week I could have avoided the grocery store this week and just picked up fresh things at Target. And it may mean you can't play the coupon game (a habit I think sounds cool but have never actually done), but your sanity is better. Plan ahead. Go to one store per week (or every few days if you need). Buy paper goods at the grocery or groceries at the big box store - the savings will even out, and your sanity will be worth it.

The First Six Months

Thanks to Revanche at A Gai Shan Life for the idea ...

Nick and I met online. And for several months, that's where a lot of our relationship took place - we IMed a lot (remember when you did that not at work?). We were living about an hour apart from each other - me in an apartment, he in a house with his sister. So for several years we drove back and forth every other weekend.

And in that first six months (or what I remember as the first six months - some of these things may have actually happened later, but memory is subjective), we learned a lot about each other. The role of family in our lives, and the role of friends. How we felt about and related to money (hint: we learned to actually talk about it). How we spent our free time. And what we saw in the future.

And we created a lot of memories in those months. Inside jokes we still use today. Fun times, and silly times. I knew right away this was it - after our first or second date I told a co-worker I wouldn't be dating anyone new anytime soon. And seven years later, I still don't think I'll be dating anyone else. And now we've created more memories, created our own little family and learned more about how to relate to each other. But if we hadn't had those first six months, I don't know where we'd be today.

A Grown-Up House

You know those people who can entertain at the drop of a hat? Their house is always picked up. The house looks like someone actually thought about the decor. There's always something to serve, even if it's baby carrots and coffee ...

Yeah. I don't have one of those houses. I grew up like that (my mom's actually a very good entertainer), so I know it's not that the house is uncomfortable for the people who live there. I'm just too lazy. Even before I had the baby, I wasn't good at picking up - much less vacuuming, etc. Sometimes I notice cobwebs in the corners. Rarer still, I do something about them.

And sometimes it bothers me. This weekend I have a group of friends coming for breakfast. Luckily, they're laid-back friends who care more about the company than the actual house - and I'll make bacon, which means it will be a winner. Hailey's birthday party is in a few weeks. That's the type of event with mothers and grandmothers in attendance, so I'll probably tidy up for that and serve food out of serving dishes (thanks to my previous job, I have them in extreme abundance).

And someday, I probably will get in the habit of regularly doing just a little bit of maintenance to add up to a nice home. But for now, we finally have a couch that matches and isn't broken - so that's enough for me today. If you come to my house, pay attention to my delightfulness rather than my messiness.