'Til Now, I Always Got By On My Own

This weekend's plans are to keep things low-key (still recovering from last week). Husband (!) is spending the weekend at his parents' cabin to help them with some projects. I am going to watch chick flicks, ride my bike, perhaps write some thank you cards, and do very little else. Since he was coming to the town where I work, I had no carpool and some friends were going to enjoy the happy hour, we met in work town first. And I drove myself home and got here around 9:00.

And as I drove into the driveway, it occurred to me that I have never stayed here by myself. I have only lived here for a few months, and although I've spent the night away solo I've never spent it here solo. Odd. All of the sudden the house seems empty. And cold. (It's not really either.) And, of course, it's raining.

So tonight, TV is intentionally on something not remotely creepy (Friday night TV tends to be newsmagazine investigations into dead women). And hoping I encounter no mice, bats, other critters or broken pipes. I suspect things will be more normal in the morning.

Pretty

Saturday was the big day. More on that later (still processing some thoughts). But I do have one thought that is processed.

Lots of people said I looked pretty/good/beautiful. Which is not surprising or bad on your wedding day. But a lot of people also commented that they hadn't seen me wear make-up or glasses, with my hair done, or since I lost the weight.

And it's true that I usually rock glasses, no make-up and wash-and-go hair. Largely because I am lazy (and I can't read with my contacts). I figure there is no need to make myself look different than I naturally do.

But is there a reason to do so? Would my life be different if I just spent a few minutes to put on lip gloss (as my friend says)? If I shaved my legs every week would things be different for me? I've largely given up on my modeling career, but would other things be different? Work, men, friends, etc.? And would I like it better?

Guess we'll never know. I liked the wedding look, but it really was a one-time thing.

Two Weeks

I am less than two weeks from being a Mrs. Which means many things are done, but there is more to do (and I am probably not even aware of some of the things that must yet be done). But I have a violinist to play Eternal Flame, and I will be married at the end of the day, so really that's all I need. (There are not a lot of things I've always wanted at my wedding, but Eternal Flame by the Bangles is one of them.)

And it's spring, and Easter (which means I have eaten many Peeps), and it's almost the end of my freefall into weight gain (dress fits, so I am allowing myself some leeway).

And almost the end of my single life. Which will be weird, but good. Boyfriend excels at starting dinner and other chores, so that's the end of me doing those things. Not the end of me folding laundry or getting groceries. Not the end of fun, but the end of me not having to check in when I am out late.

Moving Pictures

I haven't been to the movies in like a month.

Now, this is not a big deal. But it is odd for me. After all, we are less than a month after the Oscars. And for the first year since probably high school, I didn't see the majority of the nominated films. No long days at the theater. No making lists and combing blogs obsessively. (I said obsessively. I read what I usually read as far as books and magazines - a list that skews toward entertainment.)

And I'm OK with that. Thanks to Netflix I had actually seen the Best Picture. But that's about it. And if it weren't available on DVD for quite a few weeks I probably would have missed The Hurt Locker.

Part of my entertainment relative abstinence is location (I quite wanted to see Precious, which never came to my area). Part timing (I was otherwise occupied for all of Up in the Air's local run). Part lack of interest (just not excited about Avatar, although in past years I would have gone anyway). Part Brokefest 2010 (though this is a minor detail, it did affect my decision making).

Maybe this year will be a blip in my radar - maybe next year I will see all (10?) Best Picture nominees. Maybe I never will again. Maybe I won't even watch the broadcast in future years. I don't know. I still enjoy movies. I still watch them often. And I still really like going to the theater, though I wish people would consider that a cell phone-free time. And I still like to read the blogs and see the dresses and read Entertainment Weekly. I think this year was just a year of other priorities. And that's OK.

P.S. Speaking of movies, if you haven't yet read Chris Jones's profile of Roger Ebert in Esquire, do yourself a favor and read it now. It moved me nearly to tears, and I'm usually not so inclined. Also, read Ebert's journal. Even now, he's much more than a man with thumbs.

Things I Am Sure No One Else Cares About

Recently I have come to the conclusion that I say "gotta" too much: We gotta go to the store. We just gotta get some Shamrock shakes. Etc. I don't like this. While I am usually pretty careful about what I say, this is a phrase that does not make me sounds smart. And since it is not a necessary part of speech, I should stop saying it.

Also "hopefully" in the sense of "it is to be hoped. "Hopefully" means "in a hopeful manner - an attitude, rather than a general sense of hoping.

So, if you hear me saying these things, please stop me. I intend to be vigilant, but it's hard. And I don't want to do something such as a quarter jar, since I find those to be more trouble than they are worth. But I am accepting ideas for something that will help me stop!

Playing Chickens

Things are in flux at work -- in a good way. My freelance "career" is looking hopeful. And I admit, I'm getting starry-eyed -- or more accurately, dollar sign-eyed. And honestly, things at the Raybrink house could benefit from an infusion of dollars.

So how do I keep myself from counting chickens before they hatch? Yes, my merit raise is a sure thing and will kick in in a few months. But the freelance income and the other work possibilities are just that -- possibilities. And though I have visions of eliminating debt, bulking up savings, taking a fancy honeymoon and perhaps getting a new car, I have to be responsible. And, financially speaking, I am.

But it sure is fun to dream!

Deserve

Recently, we were fortunate enough to take a Florida vacation. (Thanks, parents!) I was excited about the warmth and fun (turned out to be relative warmth, but it doesn't take much to beat Minnesota in January).

And before I left, people wished me well. And one person said to enjoy it because I deserved it.

But did I? I enjoyed it. I don't vacation often, and I am not an obnoxious vacationer. I am frugal and I think generally a good person. I work hard.

But does that mean I deserve a vacation? Or just that I am fortunate enough to be able to take one? I have a hard time deserving things ... does that mean other people don't deserve them? Or that I have deserved bad things that have happened to me? Or that I don't deserve them all the time?

Or that I worry too much about my middle class problems?